Edifying Conversation with my Roommate, Michelle

Indy8jump (9:40:28 PM): that's not even a sentence!!
Ianagnmsc (9:41:16 PM): FULL OF SIN
Indy8jump (9:41:40 PM): YOUR MOTHER THINKS YOU'RE WHORES!!!!!!!!!!!
Ianagnmsc (9:42:54 PM): CLEAN UP THAT SHIT MOUTH
Indy8jump (9:43:41 PM): bitch....you didn't
Ianagnmsc (9:43:43 PM): I DID
Ianagnmsc (9:43:49 PM): your pretty.
Indy8jump (9:44:04 PM): you are beautiful
Indy8jump (9:44:11 PM): but seriously, get the hell back in your room
Ianagnmsc (9:44:50 PM): i am
Indy8jump (9:45:50 PM): fine
Indy8jump (9:51:53 PM): FULL OF SIN!!!

Concerts, Papers, and Such.

I went to a Format/All-American Reject concert with this cool guy whose name rhymes with Lanner.

 

And Also:
This is a great quote from a great source for the opening paragraph of a 10-page paper if one was writing about how the words one was raised on and the definitions one was taught with a Christian upbringing are different from people one encounters daily:

"Through this language socialization, children learn the behaviors that are culturally appropriate in their community." 

SnowbrdrKidd (9:57:00 PM): fuck

Annihilatory Continuum

I was studying in my organizational behavior book for my exam tomorrow and one of the points the book covered was the intensity of conflict. Now, to give a little background, the book creates these really unnecessary, unhelpful charts that have boxes or graphs and such with very much useless information in them. The one about conflict went a little like this:

Exhibit 15-3 Conflict-Intensity Continuum

Annihilatory conflict......... Overt efforts to destroy the other party
I
.........Aggressive Physical attacks
I
.........Threats and ultimatums
I
.........Assertive verbal attacks
I
.........Overt questioning or challenging of others
I
.........Minor disagreements or misunderstandings
I
No conflict...........................No conflict

First, the word continuum just makes me think of Back to the Future and how the flux capacitor was the gateway to the space-time continuum.

Second, at the highest end of this continuum we have annihilatory conflict, which means, you annihilate your enemies. I like the word annihilate, it rolls off the tongue so nicely. Maybe I'll make it the word of the day.

I like how they state the annihilatory conflict is the overt effort to destroy the other party. As in annihilate, right? Total destruction.

No conflict = No conflict huh? genius.

The chart just uses two of the best words ever, annihilatory and continuum....made my day happy, among other things.

Under Fire

Warning to Pay Attention

Why really do we serve God? Hebrews declares the sufficiency and supremacy of Christ over the Old Covenant. Over angels, Moses, priests, the tabernacle, and the blood of animals. And through this, we face the danger of not knowing his power over our salvation. Warnings are strewn throughout the book, the peril of ignoring the Word, the peril of unbelief, the peril of an immature faith, the peril of deliberate sin, and the peril of refusing God’s Word.

When the angels commanded the carriers of the Arc not to touch it, and one did, he died instantly. How much more is Christ over the angels:

“For to which of the angels did God ever say,
“You are my Son; today I have become your Father”?
Or again,
“I will be his Father, and he will be my Son”?
And again, when God brings his firstborn into the world, he says,
“Let all God’s angels worship him.”
In speaking of the angels he says,
“He makes his angels winds, his servants flames of fire.”
But about the Son he says,

“Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever, and righteousness will be the scepter of your kingdom. You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy.”

(Heb 1:5-9)

So to disobey the commands of Christ, of Jesus, how much more will we be judged:

“We must pay more careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away. For if the message spoken by angels was binding, and every violation and disobedience received its just punishment, how shall we escape if we ignore such a great salvation? This salvation, which was first announced by the Lord, was confirmed to us by those who heard him. God also testified to it by signs, wonders and various miracles, and gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to his will.

(Heb 2:1-4)

So to fall away from God, to disobey the teachings of Christ, is a scary thing. This man, our Savior, who is so much more powerful and higher than the angels, who can even fathom to disobey? Even disobeying the angels resulted in instant death; what then will happen if one disobeys the Lord?

Those Who Fall Away?

But what if one hears the Word, believes the word and falls away?

I’ve heard two views:

1. The first is from the group that believes once one is saved, one cannot lose that salvation. Thus, they approach this dilemma as “well then they weren’t saved to begin with. Because no one that is saved can fall away like that:

"And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life."

(1 John 5:11-12)

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”

(John 10:27-30)

2. The second view is from the opposite belief, that you can lose your salvation if you fall away from the truth:

Peter said, “It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of god and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace."

(Heb 6:4-6)

And what does fall away really mean? Can man really decide what is falling away, and what is not? “Judge not less you be judged (Matt. 7:1),” right? How can man look at another and declare his or her salvation? That is not our place. We do not know the heart of man, and thus, cannot judge it in any manner.

So have they just stumbled, or have they fallen? It is a sin they are able to repent or is it falling away and “impossible to bring they back to repentance? Do we really have the right to answer these questions? Can they repent, and do they even want to:

“If they have escaped the corruption of the world by knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and are again entangled in it and overcome, they are worse off at the end than they were at the beginning. It would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than to have known it and then to turn their backs on the sacred command that was passed on to them.”

(2 Peter 2:20-21)

Yet, we are still supposed to approach God with confidence in our salvation, not fear :

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

(Heb 5:15-16)

Does having these two contradictory ideas a chapter apart make is appear that their must be a balance between the two? I think so.

Fear

But this still instills some fear in me…fear enough that I feel I need to worship out of requirement, and I don’t want that.

I do not want to worship my God out of fear. I’m not talking about a healthy reverent fear out of respect and honor, I’m talking about full out, “I’m afraid I will bring the wrath of God if I don’t follow all the rules” fear. I want to worship Him out of love, the love I have because he first loved us. (1 John 4:19) But is there a balance just as there is in confidence and falling away?

What About All These Questions?

It is good to question God, question his word; Paul did it all the time. If the Bible is truth, then it can stand up to questioning, and if it’s not, well, I haven’t seen it falter under fire yet. So what's the answer? I guess we'll find out...

I can't believe I work at Eagle Lake Camp

Eagle Lake Camp is the greatest place in the world. I'm moving to Colorado Springs and working at Eagle Lake until they kick me out. Maybe I'll work at the Glen until I find something better to do with my life. Life is good here. We had a lovely hailrain the other day that left some remnant snow on the ground. We had a snowball fight in July, me and my 19 and 18 year old campers who go to college that somehow slipped through the Eagle Lake cracks of only being allowed to attend if you are 8-18 and in high school. They were the best week of campers yet. But the best week of camp was most definetly advance trail blazers week. Not only did we have the guys there to hang out with us....(estrogen gets a little overwhelming after a while)...but we got to camp out and trail ride for hours at a time. Also we got stuck in a lightening storm miles away from camp and had to tie our horses to aspen trees and sit in the lightening position, on a hill, for 45 minutes, and get rain on for and hour and a half. We got back to camp at 2:30 and had lunch at 3:15 in the barn. We then ate dinner at 4:45....score. Life in Colorado is grand, I love it. The mornings feel like winter, the days are sunny and hot, and around 3:00 everyday we get a huge storm. Lightening is cool until it strikes trees and campers.

My campers last week played a little prank on me and asked Amy if they could put a pinecone in my sleeping bag. One pinecone turned into 16 and there were bugs crawling around my bed...fun. I thought that was bad until I got my campers this week:

First they put rocks down my pants and laughed as I screamed and ran around the barn like an idiot thinking that they had put horse poop down my pants.

They they dumped a whole nalgene of water on my head....and laughed more.

They then locked me in the outhouse.

At dinner, as I finished off a cold, tall glass of milk, they started laughing at me. I realized then that they had poured half the salt shaker into my milk.

They stole my boots and were stopped by Amy from throwing all my underwear in a tree during the hailrain storm.

And the clincher: While cleaning the stalls, they decided to throw poop at me, and hit me in the face ... several times.

But it's ok, because us girl couselors are going to steal all the guys stuff and anchor it in canoes in the middle of the lake. Should be good times :)


Life is good: I can't believe I work at Eagle Lake Camp.

Verse for the summer: Phil. 4:6-7

Eagle Lake Camp

I've been in the Rockies an hour outside Colorado Springs for the past three weeks at the Navigator's Eagle Lake Camp. We had two weeks of orientation and our first week of camp. Two horse campers came to Christ this week, I wish I could tell all about the crazy, fun, and horrible parts of everything, but I just don't have time. However, I had one camper who could not say a single thing that wasn't negative. For example:

I don't want to play a game, I've had bad experiences with games.
I've had bad experiences with hills.
I've had bad experiences with the dark.
I've had bad experiences with going to bed, waking up, running, sitting, listening to music, not listening to music, getting on a horse, getting off a horse, walking the horse, trotting, trail riding, eating, sleeping, breathing, ....... and the list goes on, and on, and on, and on.......

I also got a hoard pack of lies from her. Everything that came out of her mouth that wasn't complaining was a lie for example:

(I was talking to her about Jesus and the gospel) "I already know all that, I read the whole Bible....in one night." fun.

Anyway highlight and then I have to go get my laundry:
I went out in the middle of the night and sobbed for half an hour crying out to God for these girls. The girl above had decided to accept Christ, and I didn't know if it was truly genuine. He said, "Be still, my child, and know that I am God."

I can't begin to describe how amazing this place is. I can't even begin.

Indiana weather

The forcast from when my plane landed to when my plane is taking off is:

rain, showers, clouds: high 57, low 36

Rain, rain, and more rain.

Today I woke up, the wind was blowing the sky was grey and it was raining. Temperature: 44 degrees.

On the radio: "Here is your forcast from the national weather station: What you see is what you get."

I love Indiana weather.

I'm going to Indiana tomorrow!!!

Horse Show

Needless to say, Tucker was AMAZING yesterday. He didn't balk at anything (except a bush on the side of the arena in our warm-up round), and he took every jump smoothly and gorgeous. He started pulling and getting on his forehand a little toward the end of each course, and some in our flats, but AJ, Jerri, and Amanda will be working on that with him this summer. Little baby steps, so he will be very much prepared for the show the end of September. We won a bunch of seconds and thirds, out of 6 or 7, great for his second show and still only a baby!! He is doing incredible after coming back from his injuries, all this work is strengthening him tenfold. Last ride will be Tuesday afternoon, sad, but I'll get to ride all summer, so, so good. Then our group went to eat at Chuy's and talked about the show, about our horses, and riding, and whatnot for 3 hours, good times. I went to bed at 9:30; Tucker wore me out.

WHOO! HOO!!

HORSE SHOW TOMORROW AT SUNDANCE STABLES!!!!

I'm all packed, all ready, all trained, and going to bed at 8:30 to be up at 3:45!!!!

I LOVE HORSE SHOWS!!!

Good luck to me :)

Me at my last horse show, in my horse show garb.
Tucker and I jumpin' in up.


Hopefully, I will some more of the blue ones.

I love my pony!

The End of All Things

The End of All Things

She dropped a crumb
That attracted the ant
Which infested the house
And ate all the wood
So pest control came
Who on the way over
Ran through a sign
Which cause the poor lady
On the phone talking
To swerve and to scream
And worry her husband
Who worked at the airport
And looked from the screen
Then confirmed the wrong flight
Which baffled the pilot
Who lost control of the plane
And crashed into a field
which alerted defense
who labeled it terrorists
And called for a war
Then bombed a small country
Who fought back in anger
With a nuclear warhead
That leveled Manhattan
And caused worldwide panic
With bombs blasting cities
It was the end of all things
........As we know it…

................… and all because of a crumb.

Grand Jack

Grand Jack

She wakes up early, before the sun
Has risen in the East
She has a thousand things to do
A hundred at the least

The morning air is crisp and chill
Cold now, but soon to warm
Early sunlight rays poke through
As she drives out to the barn

She sees the course with eight tall jumps
And in front, the judge’s stand
As she walks in, through West Star’s gate
Show clothes in her hand

A high arched neck, soft dark eyes
And coat striking velvet black
His strong breath, a cloudy mist
Her jumping horse, Grand Jack

Jack is groomed to gleaming night
His mane is pulled just so
The saddle’s polished, the bridle’s clean
For today their big horse show

She tacks him up, shines her boots
And leads him out to hack
She pulls on her gloves, her helmet too
And ties her number ‘round her back

The butterflies are flying fast
Her nerves are strung full force
As they walk up to the entry gate
And ride in to jump their course

She trotted round in courtesy
As the judge signaled the go
She cantered Jack to their first jump
Their stride a rhythmic flow

Like an eagle, Jack took flight
Soaring through the air
A gentle landing, the perfect jump
Nothing could compare

Grand Jack and her nailed every one
The course was all the same
Until the last tall vertical
That’s when the trouble came

She thought she saw the distance but
One stride she failed to wait
And much to her great horror she saw
That stride would seal their fate

She asked for the jump too soon
The crowd gasped in suspense
As her and Jack, without control
Fell straight into the fence

Brushing off the dust she stood
Her crop still in her hand
Grand Jack rose, and gently shook
To brush off all the sand

She looked at the silent crowd
As tears welled in her eyes
Because today, her and Jack
Would not win the prize

She led Jack back to his stall
Her head held low in shame
Because of her they had failed
She was all to blame

But Jack he knew just how she felt
And nickered in her ear
She looked up to his soft eyes
And saw forgiveness strong and clear

She wiped the tears and stood up tall
As her face broke to a grin
Because she knew, her and Jack
Next time they would win

Tap the Rockies

I got a call on Friday, and I totally got the job in Colorado for the summer. I get to be the horse camp couselor for Eagle Lake, so much excitement. Also, I get to go home and see my family in 9 days, and I get to move in 7 days. Life is good, stressful, but good.

Estrogen Shots

I took my horse to Arizona Equine Medical Centre yesterday to get more tests and x-rays so they could check his problem and schedule him for surgery today. HOWEVER, when they took the x-rays, and looked at them on the computer, they couldn't find ANYTHING wrong. The problem is that the patella was catching on the surrounding bones, thus causing his leg to lock up, until he popped it back into place. Well, all the things that usually cause the patella to catch were normal. His bones didn't have sharp ridges on them, his ligaments weren't loose or torn, his femur and tibia were correctly placed, and his patella was correctly formed and set. The vet said that the problem was that after he had that time off for Christmas and because of his cactus injuries, when I started training him, his muscles, which had lost a lot of mass, reformed too tightly pulling his patella up and causing it to lock. So what I have to do is give him shots of estrogen, which loosen up his muscles, and give him consistent work, which reforms those muscles. SO AWESOME!! So, to fix him, I get to ride him even more than I did before. It really doesn't get any better than that. So I have 10 needles full of estrogen that I get to stab into his neck twice a week. I also decided I'm going to pull somewhat of a prank on Dave Heim and give him a horse sized dose of estrogen in his sleep. That should be interesting. But anyway, my point is that first off, my horse isn't hurt, and the only thing plaguing him will be fixed with consistent exercise. AND it only cost $500 and not $3000, which is most definitely great.

Finally some good news.

And I get to go to my horse show next weekend. Pure joy.

Joy

9 days till school is out. Joy.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

For Kyle Wade

This blog is reposted from myspace for the sole enjoyment of Kyle Wade, Kyle, I think you are awesome (most of the time):

P.S. I'm glad that you are now my friend :)


Three weeks ago my horse, Tucker, fell into a barrel cactus and then in recoil jumped into a prickly pear. By the time I got back to the barn he couldn't walk and had to have emergency surgery, which cost a lovely $334. I spent the better part of not just two hours, or two days, but two weeks trying to get all the cactus out of his leg. And there's still some in there :( Then, after he had been on stall rest for a week and a half of which I had to go out twice a day and give him medication and rewrap his leg, I put him in the pasture and not 10 seconds, literally 10 seconds, as I watched helplessly, he got kicked in the leg by another horse. I'm standing in the middle of the pasture in disbelief yelling at the other horse, ....YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!...I don't think he speaks English, dumbass horse. So then I spent the better part of the next week nursing my horse's front leg because it had swollen to twice its size. So finally, today, I was able to start riding him. With Christmas break added on, he hasn't been ridden for almost 2 months :(. He isn't completely healed, but he's ready to start some very light exercise. So today, which has just gotten progressively worse and worse, I went out to the barn to relax and ride. We had a great ride, trotted around a bit, gave him some grain, cleaned up my tack....and just as I was about to put him back in his pasture, the owner of another one of the horses in his pasture came up to me and said that his horse had a lung infection.
"A lung infection, is it contagious?" I asked, in a bit of hysterics.
"Yeah, it's really contagious; tons of horses in Tucson have it."
"Are you JOKING me??!?!?"
So I took my horse and put him at the other end of the property. I seriously was ready to cry...I don't even know what I'm going to do. I just have to sit around and wait for Tucker to get sick or not....
I'm tired and frustrated and distressed and pitying myself. Oh, and then I read a mean blog about me that made me cry, and now I'm just really pissed. So, I'm going to go eat a bowl of cereal in the shower. Sometimes, life just sucks, a lot.

Yes.

Yes.

Today

Sometimes, you just wake up and the first things that happen set the course for the whole day. I don't know if today is going to be a good day or a bad day, or if I can make it what I want. But so far, I have a lot on my mind and kinda just want school to be over. And to be honest, even though I know Eagle Lake would be incredible, and it would be a fulfilling summer working there, going home and just working a stupid job and writing and riding all summer sounds kinda great. I could go to Dave Matthews with Todd and finally have lunch with Dan and maybe be artistic or something. Then I'd get to see Christa before she leaves for London, and I'd get to see my whole family at her graduation party.

I got a B+ on my english paper. Good? I suppose, but once I revise it hopefully I'll get an A.

I don't really have much else to say.

A Few Things That Happened

A couple interesting things.

First, Alex actually apologized to me yesterday for all the deuschbag things that he did when we dated. It was a nice thing for him to do.

Second, I got to see Bonar, which was awesome, 'cause he's fun, and I never get to see him. We had an lovely dinner at North with like 20 people. We got to dress up pretty and eat overpriced food, and it was good times.


Third, Christine is like the bestest friend ever, for no particular reason, she just watches out for me and she's gorgeous!


Fourth, I still haven't heard back from Eagle Lake after my interview on Monday. The lady said two weeks, but I'm getting impatient.

Fifth, today is the last day I get to ride my horse before he gets his surgery and is off for 3 months...sad...and depressing :(

Sixth, and most importantly, I get to move into the Casa in like 2 weeks!!! Yay!!!


This is what it will be like in the Casa next year - take note of the confetti, we are having a good time.

Life goes rolling along, and we wait. Impatience: Waiting in a hurry.

We pray...that you may ahve great endurance and patience, joyfully giving thanks. Col 1:10-12

Easter Pictures

Here are some pictures of me and my family when I went to visit Indiana at Easter :)

My preshie family after Easter service before we went out to eat. I got to have two rootbeers because I'm a biggie girl now.


Making Easter eggs. My brother is in whitie tighties, funny.


Out to eat ice cream, I'm pretty sure my little brother cried because he wanted his sprinkles on top and not mixed in.


Some families play card games, some families go to the park, other families play board games, my family, we wrestle.

My dad beat everyone up.


Yay, Indiana, I'm going back in three weeks! 

GAH

I found out today, after my vet reviewed my x-rays, that my horse has to have a $3,000 surgery next Wednesday in Phoenix. I don't even know what I'm going to do.

Thank You

I stand before a crown of ten thousand
Nations, millions, bow before your throne
But disavow your grace
....................Time and time again.

Streets paved with gold we walk
To you, hands engraved with names
Of those depraved and watch
....................Angels entertain.

Our lost souls find salvation in the promise
Of your refined glory, blood shed
As they bind your hands and feet only
....................Death remains.

Heart of darkness washed white as snow
Through the sacrifice of one, the son
Of the Most High, for this we cry
....................Thank you, amen.

California

Tuesday March 7:
"I'm afraid my disastrous test paid off with a lovely grade of D. And not the 68% kind of D, no, it was the 60% kind of D. The kind that if it were one percent lower it would be an F. I really don't know what to think of this. I don't think I've ever even gotten a B on a test...so this was a nice awakening to the joys of failure. In fact, the class average was an F. An F. The average."

Sunday April 9:
"My stats test was so easy a kindergartner could do it. I got a 90/90, bitch."

I went to California this weekend which was awesome. Volleyball on the beach, laying out, chilling with people I haven't seen in forever. It was like a greatness reunion. As in, we are all greatness and we came together at Newport Beach to celebrate it. I also got to have In-and-Out and TK Burgers everyday, oh and ice cream everyday, which was almost like heaven. Christine ate a half gallon of Starbucks ice cream for lunch on Saturday. She is awesome.

Eagle Lake

I got a message in a bottle today; it was in the form of an email. Eagle Lake, a kids camp based in Eagle Lake, Colorado (read, the middle of the Rockies) needs a horse camp couselor for the summer, it's their only position still open. I sent in my application, and I have an interview on Monday. So most hopefully I won't be stuck in Tucson for the summer. And I get to play worship at Crusade tonight. And my horse got x-rays this morning so we will finally get to the root of his stifle problem. And I got a 95% on my accounting test. And I have a horse show the beginning of May. Life is good.

October 10

What is the opposite of joy?
"Sadness."
And the opposite of depression?
"Elation."
And how about the opposite of woe?
"I believe that would be giddy up."

Pink Elephants

I was sitting in class today thinking of all the stuff I have to do this week before I leave for Orange this weekend and Indiana next weekend and was literally going crazy. At one point, I had to leave class and go outside and just sit on a step and pray for a bit of peace and calm. I'm just really nervous about the two tests I have this week; if I do well on them, I'm set for the rest of the semester, however, if I do poorly on them, I've pretty much screwed my scholarship. So, lots of pressure. At the break (because my class is three hours long) I went up to my professor and told him I couldn't concentrate and I was going crazy and asked if I could leave class early. He let me, which is awesome because I came home and wrote an essay for my other English class. Now I'm wasting time writing a blog when I should be studying for my accounting test.

My ENTIRE family is in Cancun, and I'm stuck in Tucson stressing about the means of two independed or dependent variables making up a sample size that describes the Z-value of a proportion. Fun.

Denied

Hi Jenna,

Thank you for your application for an internship with us here at Relevant
Media Group. At this time we will not be able to offer you an internship.
All of our openings have been filled. We do accept interns during the Fall
and Spring semesters also. If you are interested you can reapply online.

Thank you,

Kaley Crebs
Customer Service and Operations Assistant
Relevant Media Group

Focus

I'm still sitting in the car listening to Crash, but now I am crying. I just got an email from the mission leader from the church in Long Beach, Grace Brethren, which I wanted to go to Africa with this summer. Unfortunately, they are only taking people who are involved with sponsorship with the program and go to that church. I was so excited about being able to make a difference; I felt it was where God wanted me to be. Now I'm just confused. I feel like I need some sort of expletive here, to make my point stronger, to emphasize how frustrated and in the dark I am. I look up, out the window and it’s all just dark. Just blackness that penetrates the world, a shadow that the sun runs from, something of what's going on in my brain. I feel like I have no idea what the hell God wants me to do, and I feel so lost with everything. I still haven't heard from Relevant, and I just sit here and cry out to God. This great plan he has for my life, if he could send me a little memo or sticky note or something. A message in a bottle giving me some clue what to work for, some idea of what my dreams are supposed to be, some focus for life.

"What do you want me to do!? I don't know what I'm supposed to do!"

Right now, I feel very lonely. Not an ‘I don’t have any friends and nobody loves me' lonely, but a lonely that makes my heart hurt, not a big hurt, not a lost somebody hurt, but a hurt that makes me sit in the dark of my car listening to Crash and write this. It’s a hurt that makes me turn to God and ask him to give me patience. A hurt that causes me to tear up, but no tears fall. ‘Nothing taken away, but there should be someone more’ kind of hurt. Someone, a man, to love me and hold me and take care of me. I want a man to love me so much it hurts him, hurts him like I’m hurting right now. To not want to live a day without me, someone who will die for me. Someone to give me security and strength and wisdom. A lump is forming in my throat, and I try to swallow. I just need patience, but patience is waiting for life to start not realizing I’m living it every day.

Driving Epiphanies

I realized today that roads are not extra-long straight racetracks with obstacles here and there such as motorcyclists and stop lights. I do not need to roll to red lights watching the cross traffic light for it to turn yellow so I can punch the gas as soon as possible and accelerate up to my cruising speed of 60 mph. I do not need to continue to accelerate to the stoplight until the last possible second and then slam on the breaks. Everyone in the front line of the intersection doesn't NOT find it necessary to race at every light. Getting to my destination two minutes sooner really doesn't make that much of a difference. I also realized that averaging 20 mph over the speed limit does not do justice to my driving record. And finally, Indiana license plates in Arizona are bright neon flashing lights for cops.

I'm an Advocate for Leaving Home

For spring break I went to Mexico to work in an orphanage in Tijuana and Rosarito. I also went to Los Angeles to visit my aunt Kindra and my friend Adam from Indiana. I had somewhat of a life changing experience over spring break…these are a few of my thoughts:

First off, I didn’t have a life changing experience in Mexico. I had seen that kind of poverty before, and yes, it is very sad. I feel for those people that struggle just to eat. I saw the joy on their faces from the mere thought of receiving a bag of long grain rice we were handing out to those whose homes were in the town dump. Their houses, which were literally four pieces of whatever could hold up to make a square, were in shambles, and when they walked outside, they stepped into garbage. Spontaneous combustion methane fires were burning just under them, and most of the children were orphans, living in abject poverty. The orphanage was amazing. They offered so much to these children, most of them from the dump area. They received three meals a day, and clothes, and a safe place to sleep. But they were also offered an education, love, and hope. Some of the kids had even gone off to college and were planting churches in Mexico and the US. My favorite part was playing music with this guy Jesse from a school in Virginia I think, and with this other guy who lived at the orphanage and went to high school. We played guitar and drums and what not for over two hours. It really just goes to show how music is a universal language.

Not only was it eye-opening, but I had lots of fun. The group was awesome, and I love Rosie and our fun tobacco deep-conversation adventure. We brought guitars and marshmallows and built a fire on the beach the last night we were there. The moon was so bright it made the water almost glow. I felt very close to God that night. To see him in all his glory, even here, where there was so much pain. I could have sat there until morning, but it was cold, and I needed sleep.

My sorta life changing epiphany didn’t happen in Mexico, I occured it in LA when I went to stay with my aunt, Kindra. Kinda is awesome. She works in the editing department of Walt Disney on the Pirates of the Caribbean 1, 2, and 3. She’s a successful editor and lives 7 blocks from Santa Monica Beach. She built her own career from the bottom starting with nothing. But all this is not why she’s so awesome. She’s awesome because she doesn’t take life for what it is. She takes more. She appreciates family and art and simple things like coffee from the Coffee Bean. She doesn’t gloat or boast; she takes her ideas seriously and doesn’t believe what she does just because someone told her to. I just love her attitude toward life. We talked politics and religion and family, and I realized I have much more in common with her than I originally thought. So anyway, that’s Kindra, and she made me think about life, and being in LA made me think about life, and seeing my friend Adam’s photos at a show he was holding in LA at the time also made me think about life.

On a side note, I told my mom that I wanted to move to southern California. She said, “We’ll see.” She told me I couldn’t apply to school there because it was too far away. So I went to Arizona, the next state over. She said everyone in California is liberals and it’s full of freaks. I took a picture of a freak for her:

Tuesday morning, all depressed and annoyed with life, I sat in my English class and wrote most of this blog. I like to write stuff when I am really feeling it at the moment, or else it really doesn’t have the effect I want it to. First off, Kindra made me think about politics. Like I said before, we talked lots of politics. I just want to say for the record, just because of what I write or think doesn’t mean I’m turning into a crazy Canadian liberal. It just means that I want my views to be concreted on things that I believe. I’m not saying the liberals or the conservatives are right; I’m just saying, whatever you believe, believe it for a reason. I think that is where I have the most trouble because before I talked to Kindra, actually, before I came to college, I was a “very conservative Republican.” I wouldn’t even listen to anyone else’s ideas when I was in high school. I would have to say this is mostly because of my parents. Not that that’s bad or anything, but it just is the way it is. I think most people find that they believe most of what their parents believe until they either have a life changing experience or they go to college or they move away from home. I’m an advocate for moving away from home, it makes people think. My sister’s moving to London next year…good for her. Anyway…

I’m not saying that everyone has to change their political views to become enlightened, but at least think about what you stand for. One of the biggest issues in the country right now is abortion. There is an attempt right now, by the Republican run government, to reverse Roe vs. Wade. Now, being a Christian one would think I would give all hail to the Bush regimen to get this show on the road. But, I’m not, not even in the slightest. I’m not for abortion. I think too many women use it as a way out of an inconvenience, as contraception. But, outlawing abortion will only make women who can’t afford to leave the country for an abortion do it illegally. It’s dangerous; many women will be hurt because of illegal abortion. So many women get hurt now; they have serious uterus damage, etc.; imagine if it was illegal. I just think it’s a bad idea. And then these doctors will be working under the table, literally, and crime will ‘increase’ and all sorts of crap will stem from this. Does the government really think that making abortions illegal will stop people from having them, or more to the root of the issue, stop people from having unprotected sex? No. It won’t. If you don’t agree with me, that’s fine. This is just what I think.

My dad asks me, “So, have you become liberal yet?” just because I went to college. No Dad, don’t fret. But it does say something for the liberals. If most people who go to college are thinkers, are smart, then why is it that most come out of college liberal? I compare New York where most people I met were lawyers and could speak three languages to rural Tennessee. Liberal vs. Conservative. I don’t know, maybe they have something here. But then again, sometimes I think liberalism is an excuse not to take responsibility.

One thing I don’t understand is that the religious right conservative party seems to subscribe to: “you earn it you deserve it, and if you can’t earn it, then you just need to work harder.” I’ve heard many times (and sadly have even said myself) in response to seeing a bum or the poor, “why don’t they just get a job, even if it’s at McDonalds?” But then Kindra told me that during someone’s Presidency (I don’t remember who) the government ran out of money and had to close many of the insane asylums, so all these people, who couldn’t really function in a normal setting, were just sent out in the world. Now they are bums and getting rap for it. Can you blame them? But what did Jesus do? Seriously, I’m not just being cliché…he was friends with the tax collectors and the widows and the orphans and the prostitutes and the sick and the poor. But, oh no, isn’t that a liberal stance? What shall we do, oh what shall we do? I just bugs me. Jesus didn’t subscribe to a political agenda, in fact he avoided the topic all together, so why are we so concerned? I’m not very good at arguing politics…there are like three people I know that are, my friend Joel from Indiana, my friend Kyle, and my friend Brad from Germany. All completely different stances, but each knows what they believe and why they believe it. I don’t care what political agenda you subscribe to, just know why you subscribe to it…although I feel somewhat of a hypocrite because I can’t defend everything I stand for, and some cases I don’t even know what I stand for. I kinda feel like Kerry, pleasing everyone because I can’t set on something and defend it.

One thing Kindra asked me about was sex before marriage and how I felt about it. I told her I was saving myself, staying abstinent, until I get married. She asked me if this stems from religious beliefs or if it is more a personal thing. This really got me thinking. I mean, it definitely stems from religious beliefs originally. I probably wouldn’t think this way if I hadn’t been exposed to religion at an early age and made believe that this is the way the Christians do it. But I think now it is more of a personal thing, a gift I want to give my husband, to say I’ve been with no one but you, I’ve saved this for only you even when I didn’t know you. I think that’s awesome, but is it really because “I love Jesus” that I’m saving myself? To be honest, I don’t think it is. He gave us commands, and to be honest, if you follow them you’ll stay out of trouble, and I think that’s some of it. Think of all the trouble I’m avoiding my not having sex. No STD’s, no pregnancy, no strong emotional ties. I do feel convicted about having sex before marriage, and I know that’s a God thing…

I saw my friend Adam’s art exhibit about Uganda, and it really was moving. It made me want to go there tomorrow. It also made me want to pursue the creative bug in me. In high school I was so concerned with getting good grades that I didn’t take any art classes because you could only get A’s in them and not A+’s. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I love art, I love being creative, I love photography. The exhibit and Mexico just made me realize that there is something more out there. It’s like an emptiness that needs to be filled. Much of that is filled with Christ, but there is still this little hole that screams to me about loving people. I think it’s great when people bring the gospel to foreign lands, more power to them, but these Africans need more than the gospel. They need food and clean water and education and homes for orphans. I don’t want to go just to “proclaim the gospel” I want to go and do something just like we were digging dirt in Mexico. We were doing something, getting something accomplished for someone else, and I felt so alive. I want to go and do something. Mostly I just feel like something is missing from my life, like there’s something more than just going to college, getting a degree, getting a job, getting married, and living a cushy little life in suburban America. I just don’t know what it is. I need to find it, and I don’t know where to look.

Mostly I’m just sick of all this superficial bullshit. I’m sick of people saying they need to do something and don’t do it. I’m sick of people thinking the world revolves around them. Mostly I just want people to stop talking and take some action.

Me and Kindra at Universal after seeing the backlot and Wysteria Lane (yay):

Amazing photographer Adam:


On a lighter note, yesterday I was cantering to a jump on my horse and he spooked at a leadrope on the ground and ran out and I flew over his head, landed on my side in the dirt, hurt myself, and looked like a huge fool. This is exactly how it looked except I went over the jump and my horse didn’t (hehe):

At the Jump

During the Jump

After the Jump

I now have a large bruise on my left leg and my right hip doesn’t want to hold my leg up anymore, great.

On another lighter note:

A U of A golf cart that takes handicapped and injured students home and to class was driving down Mountain with two people in it. Right at the moment when the golf cart was passing an intersection an SUV decided that was the opportune moment to cross traffic. With a great squeal of tires the SUV smashed right into the golf cart. Luckily, no one was hurt, but seriously, funniest thing I have seen in a long time.


Footprints in the Sand - Santa Monica Beach

Family Pics

I just uploaded some picutres of my family from my cousin's wedding this summer and these are some of my favorites:

My sis and I livin' it up.

Christa and I.

It really doesn't need much explaination

Family Pics Continued...

Cody all precious and stuff.

Dad and I dancing.

Having a good time during the father, daughter dance.

My really cool brother Justin.

Family Pics Even More Continued...

These were outside before the wedding:

Oh we know we look good.

Me and Daddy.

Mom and Dad.

Precious.

Some Thoughts About Life

Sometimes, I really don't know about life. I know God has everything in control, and He has the most AMAZING plan for me, but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I knew what it was. Some stuff just falls into place so amazingly, like living at the Casa next year, and making an incredible group of girlfriends this semester. And then some stuff is just frustrating, like what the heck I'm going to do this summer, why do I have so many boy problems, and if I really know what I should be doing with my life. All I really want to do is buy some 1000 acre ranch in the middle of Colorado and live with the mountains, and the sunsets, and the snow, and the rain, and marvel in God's glory. But then I realize, unfortunately, all that takes money and, that, my friends, is something I do not have. I'm majoring in business, but all I really want to do is get out of college, and get married, and have lots of kids, and ride horses. Nothing is necessarily going wrong with my life; I am just in a state of confusion and frustration. Christine said to me the other day after I told her that I feel life crashing in on me:

"Jenna, is God good?"
"Yeah."
"Is God good when amazing stuff is happening in your life and you feel his
presence?"
"Especially."
"Is he still good when everything is going wrong?"
"Yeah," I said.

But it made me think. I think I have the opposite problem of what Christine was insinuating. Most of the time when stuff is going crappy, I turn straight to God because I know He's the only one that can fix it. But often when things are going well, I neglect God and His influence because I just forget that everything that is happening is because of Him. This is so foolish. That's why yesterday I was so thankful to see his glory in everything he created because I forget and it makes me so sad. Why would I forget to praise God for all His majesty when everything is going so well? I don't know...

But either way, I think my point is that Christine is an amazing friend, and I just have to be patient with life. It’s hard to be patient. We are a people that want here and now. But I know I can’t even fathom the greatness God has in store. It seems that people say that a lot and they don’t look to the here and now. Right now God’s blessed me with incredible friends and the opportunity to go to a great school. He’s taught me more than I thought I needed to learn in these past 2 years. He’s given me opportunities that I can’t even dream, like going to Germany and bringing my horse down here. He’s constantly provided for me financially and let me live way above my means in many situations. I said two years ago, God has amazing things in store for me, yet I’m living them out everyday. Sometimes though, it’s sad because I don’t even see it.

I'm now a certified mechanic

I would just like to say that I'm very proud of myself today because when I was sitting on the sidewalk watching the sunset, I noticed that the bottom panel underneath my car had lost 2 bolts and was dragging on the ground. So, I drove my car along the edge of our rocks so it was inclined and I could climb underneath, and then I fixed it all by myself :) Yay! I felt really cool climbing under my car and getting all dirty and stuff, but I was kinda dissapointed that at least five different guys walked past and didn't even ask if I needed any help. geeze. I didn't want to have to drive all the way to San Diego with the panel dragging on the ground. But it kinda pisses me off becuase I asked the guys at Brake Masters to fix it at least seven times. I even checked it when they were done. Instead of bolting it back together, they merely tied the panel on with string unfortunately I couldn't see that just by glancing under the car, I had to wait for the string to break...who does that? Seriously.

Now the sky is blue.

I was driving out to the barn today, about 3:30 because my work got cancelled, and the sky was the most incredible mix of dark and sun and white and rain and snow I had ever seen. In front of me was a huge rain cloud. The rain was falling so hard I couldn't see the mountains behind it. Then I looked to my right and the sun was shining on the tops of huge white clouds, they were glowing and had specks of rainbow. Then it started to rain, and then snow, but the sun was still shining. I looked over at the Catalinas and then up at the sky and wondered how anyone could not believe there was a God. Just looking at the beauty he created on this earth is enough to blow my mind away.

Yay, D

I'm afraid my disasterous test paid off with a lovely grade of D. And not the 68% kind of D, no, it was the 60% kind of D. The kind that if it was one percent lower it would be an F. I really don't know what to think of this. I don't think I've ever even gotten a B on a test...so this was a nice awakening to the joys of failure. In fact, the class average was an F. An F. The average.

So, for the rest of the day I felt like a miserable failure. In addition to my D, I was hammered by my workshop group for my essay on Christ as a teacher. I tried to explain that it was written solely for a Christian audience, but they didn't take to kindly to that either. One lady said, "I like how it's about spirituality, but maybe you should take all the Jesus stuff out of your essay, yeah, take Jesus out of your essay." Which was kinda confusing considering the essay IS ABOUT JESUS! But whatever. And then I ripped a hole in my favorite pair of jeans on my bike. GOSH, NOBODY!

I told Christine how I felt like like was sucking at life. She was so awesome, bringing me back to reality and telling me I just need to give it up to Christ because I'd been doing it all myself. She hit the nail on the head, I was trying to do everything myself, so as of yesterday, I'm not doing anything myself anymore. Sometimes we just need a swift kick in the butt to remind us of where we stand in this spectrum of eternity. And seriously, that test, it doesn't matter not even one miniscule in the sceme of life. Sometimes I just need to remember that. So Christine made me feel better, and then I met Kyle for coffee, and that made me feel better because I got to hear a lovely story about raising four kids on his own, while going to school, and going to work, and heaven knows I can't remember the name of his 'favorite' kid, was it Evanescence? :) Anyway, and I went to work and bought grocieries which is one of my favorite things to do, the grocieries, not the work. Oh, and then I had Good Breakfast Day last night - happy happy, joy joy.

Then I got a box from my preshie mommy and she sent me a card that said, "Now you can look awesome at Eller next year." I looked in the box and she had bought me a new suit and pink shirt and sent this month's issue of Relevant. She's so wonderful! Man, I miss my family.

Großartig Reiten Tag

Wissen Sie wann alles ist so wundervoll, dass Sie nicht lächeln stoppen können? Heute war daß für mich. Ich hatte eine Reitlektion, und mein Pferd war sehr gut. Sein bein tüt weh, aber wir reiten und springen sowieso. Die Gymnastik war am besten, aber wir hatten springen die letztes woche ohne Sattel, so es war einfach. Jerri sagt ich gelächelt wann ich sprang, ich weiß nicht, aber daß ist gut für Reitturnieren ich schätze. Aber mit sein abgesperrt Knie, wir müssen zu kleiner Absprunge zurück gehen. Ich wünsche, daß er sich nicht verletzen würde. Mann, niemands!

Ich bin müde und muß schlafen, dann muß ich eine Hausarbeit schreiben. Heute war einer Großartiger Reiten Tag.

Guten Schluss! Tschüss!!!

Prayer to the Senate

"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done.
We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.

We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.
We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.
We have killed our unborn and called it choice.
We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem.
We have abused power and called it politics.
We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression
We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen!"

Some Stuff About Whatever

Michelle is one of most awesome people I have ever met. We had a lovely painting, homework, coffee bonding time yesterday in which we could just spill our brains. It was wonderful. Sometimes, you just need that, to spill your brains onto the floor, mop them up, and suck them back up through a straw. I'm very excited to live at the Casa next year, yeah.

Another exciting thing: Now that I have mastered, sorta, the art of controlling my aim, I LOVE Halo. I know...hypocrite, but whatever, you can all suck it. What's better than brandishing a high powered rifle and shooting someone in the face while you walk by? Brandinshing a rocket and shooting people in the face as you walk by.

I've decided that all guys are superficial.
And frustrating.
Too bad we need them to make babies.

Yesterday I went out to take a trail ride around 5:30 and got to watch the sunset. There is nothing that makes me happier than watching a sunset, except watching a sunset on horseback with the wind blowing in my hair. A note to anyone who ever tries to impress me: Gate's Pass.

I'm going to ride. Hopefully my horse is not lame anymore. Gosh, nobody.

Z = 0.43 ?!?

The worst feeling in the world is going into a test purely confident, and then reading the first question thinking it might as well be in Japanese. This was my fate today in Statistics, i just kept getting more and more frustrated, which made me more and more frustrated...at one point I was doing a question just as time was running up. This is a bit how it went:

I caculated the value z=0.43

Umashankar: Test is up, put down your pencil.

Me (Thinking): What the hell do I do with z=0.43!?!?! 0.43, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!?!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!?!?!?!

Umashankar: Get up to the front of the room.

Me: Look at the tables???? Yes! Look at the tables!

Umashankar: I said get down here now.

Table: 0.4803

Me: What the hell do I do with 0.4803?!?!?!?

Umashankar: If you are still sitting in a seat your test is not getting graded!!

Me (proceeding to sit on the floor): Subtract 0.5????? Well, I haven't used C in a while.

Umashankar: If you are not at the front of the room in 2 seconds...

Me: (walking to the front of the room bubbling in C for that question, and C for the other 5 questions I didn't get to): AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

As you can see, it wasn't Good Test Day today. Blasted Statistics.

But, I don't think I missed any on my accounting test, which I guess makes it Sorta Good Test Day.

However, tomorrow is Good Breakfast Day, so life is good. For the most part.