Focus

I'm still sitting in the car listening to Crash, but now I am crying. I just got an email from the mission leader from the church in Long Beach, Grace Brethren, which I wanted to go to Africa with this summer. Unfortunately, they are only taking people who are involved with sponsorship with the program and go to that church. I was so excited about being able to make a difference; I felt it was where God wanted me to be. Now I'm just confused. I feel like I need some sort of expletive here, to make my point stronger, to emphasize how frustrated and in the dark I am. I look up, out the window and it’s all just dark. Just blackness that penetrates the world, a shadow that the sun runs from, something of what's going on in my brain. I feel like I have no idea what the hell God wants me to do, and I feel so lost with everything. I still haven't heard from Relevant, and I just sit here and cry out to God. This great plan he has for my life, if he could send me a little memo or sticky note or something. A message in a bottle giving me some clue what to work for, some idea of what my dreams are supposed to be, some focus for life.

"What do you want me to do!? I don't know what I'm supposed to do!"